- “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” —Charlie Brown
- “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” —Bill Vaughan
- “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average…which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.” —Jay Leno
- “May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!” —Aleister Crowley
- “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” —Bill Vaughan
- “New Year Resolutions 1. To refrain from saying witty, unkind things, unless they are really witty and irreparably damaging. 2. To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” —James Agate
- “Many years ago, I made a New Year’s resolution to never make New Year’s resolutions. Hell, it’s been the only resolution I’ve ever kept!”―D.S. Mixell
- “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!” —Joey Adams
- “Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain
- “My New Year’s Resolution List usually starts with the desire to lose between ten and three thousand pounds. In the middle, I list career goals and coveted shoes. Somewhere near the end I’ll add something about donating more often to charity and reducing my carbon footprint. I start out with good intentions but by mid-January, the list will be stuck to my cheek because I napped on it as I watched fit people exercise on cable TV.” —Nia Vardalos
- “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.” —F.M. Knowles
- “If you decide to cut something out this year, try replacing it with something else to balance out the loss. If you stop drinking soda, for example, replace it with becoming more sedentary. You deserve it. You loved soda.” ―Colin Nissan
“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald
“I’m still the same person I was last year—now I’m just hungover.” —Unknown
“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” —William Thomas
“‘Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.” —Andy Borowitz
“Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less new year and leave it at that.” —Judith Christ
“May your dreams get fulfilled as well as your bills. Best of luck with the new year, dear.” —Unknown
“Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.” —Barbara Walters
“I haven’t been this excited about a new year since last year.” —Unknown
“You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” —Charlie Brown
“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.” —Unknown
“Tonight’s December thirty-first, something is about to burst … Hark, it’s midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!” —Ogden Nash
“If you want an interesting party, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone.” —Robert Fulghum
“May the new year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall.” —Aleister Crowley
“New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.” —Unknown
“Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.” —William Shakespeare
“Every new year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?” —Ogden Nash
“I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” —Robert Paul
18. “Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?’” —Melanie White
“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.” —Mark Twain
20. “New years are like pages in a book that’s so boring. You always think that the next page will be interesting, but it turns out to be the same every time. Happy New Year!” —Unknown
“Sometimes, a year has been so disastrous and so terrible that entering a new year will automatically mean entering a wonderful year!” —Mehmet Murat İldan
“So tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.” —Prince
“May this new year bring you more problems, more tears and more pains. Don’t get me wrong. I just want you to be a stronger person.” —Unknown
24. “So excited for you guys to ruin another year of your life. Have a merry Christmas and happy new year.” —Unknown
“8 p.m. is the new midnight!” —Unknown
“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” —Oprah Winfrey
“I would say, ‘Happy new year,’ but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.” —Robert Clark
“He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.” —Farquhar McGillivray Knowles
“Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy, Happy New Year everybody.” —Phyllis McGinley
“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.” —Brad Paisley
“A new year means you will be a little bit older but not any wiser than today! Alas!” —Unknown
“Don’t be so worried about what you eat between Christmas and New Year’s. Worry more about what you eat between New Year’s and Christmas.” —Unknown